It's 03:32 am on the 7th of March 2022. I wake up with an excruciating pain in my head coupled with ringing in my left ear. I open my eyes and for a nanosecond my vision is blurry. My vision clears as I see scattered pieces from my wardrobe all over the bedroom floor. My body is bare with only my underwear covering it. "Where am I?" I whisper. I bring awareness to my body assessing it, trying to feel if there's an ounce of irritation or discomfort. "Whew" I sigh, everything feels normal. I hear loud snoring and I instantly recognize the voice underneath these grey sheets...it's my boyfriend. I wake him up demanding answers as I fail to recall the events of the previous night. All I remember to this day, is two-stepping to Glenn Jones while sipping on my 3rd glass of Rupert & Rothschild at an establishment 3,5km away from my boyfriend's apartment. That 3rd glass of wine washed away all consciousness; fabricating a blank canvas in my brain. This was the first time I had ever blacked out in my life and by God's grace a safe space was created for me to do so. Blacking out was a reflection of my relationship with alcohol during that period. I used wine to soothe my heart, champagne to wipe my tears and tequila to bandage my emotional scars.
I was in a deep dark hole, the void was within me as well as around me. The sun would rise every morning but I couldn't bask in her light; the darkness felt warmer. The faint words in my bible and indistinct utterances to God were an indication of my worn out hope. I hid behind lies and baseless justifications instead of facing my truth. I was too ashamed to see my own reflection in the mirror so my eyes wandered into the lives of others. Jealousy started to wrap its arms around me squeezing out the little faith I had left. My mental health was so frail that it blurred out my essence leaving nothing but my shadow's silhouette. I was sinking, barely living, just breathing. I've always believed that I am destined for imprinting value on this earth. Purpose is what drives value; passion is what creates value. Purpose and passion remind us of who God is and who God has called us to be. They allow for the gifts bestowed upon us to bind what is on earth and loosen what is in the heavens. Purpose, passion and vision breathe life into our beings for "where there is no vision, the people shall perish". A number of factors contributed to the state I was in but the root cause was loss. A loss of vision, a loss of purpose, a loss of identity. I was fixated with finding my passion, the 'why' to my existence and failure to do so sent me into a whirlwind of grief. A little voice kept whispering in my ear, speaking words of unworthiness and failure. The voice grew louder and deeper until one day I realized that the voice was mine.
There is a voice that exists within the human mind. The voice that dismantles your worth, uproots your identity and dims your light. The body reacts to the thoughts created by the mind through emotions and sensations. The exchange between thought and emotion designs a pathway of negative energy flow within the body. Over time this pathway develops into a repetitive cycle of fear loosely translated as anxiety and depression. My mother once said to me, "as much as God lives within you, the devil resides within you too...in the mind". Eckhart Tolle refers to it as the egoic mind. It is called egoic because "there is a sense of self, of I (ego), in every thought-every memory, every interpretation, opinion, viewpoint, reaction, emotion." The concept of 'I' only exists because of the concept of 'other' and there isn't more other than an enemy. Seeing someone else as less than so that you can become more. Or maybe seeing yourself as less so that others may 'value' you more. Irrespective of perspective, it gives rise to a false sense of self, a fleeting one to be specific, for thoughts and emotions are ephemeral in their very nature. This false sense projects its insecurities onto others seeking validation. Nothing is as futile as competing with someone who is not competing with you; you cannot win a war that does not exist. This is where the heart gets stained with jealousy and hatred.
Disidentification with the ego is the first step in cleansing the heart. All modern day spiritual teachers such as Eckhart, Deepak Chopra and Mooji center their teachings around awareness, consciousness and being present. Becoming the awareness behind thought and emotion allows you to detach from the ego. Holding space for yourself and feeling what you need to feel without reacting is paramount. By being fully present in each moment, you accept the "isness" of it which enables you to let go. This is where true freedom lies as you surrender to what is, let go of what was and forget about what is to come... presence. Time is a delusion, "it is what keeps the light from reaching us. There's no greater obstacle to God than time," Meister Eckhart explains. Past and future have no reality of their own. Just as the moon has no light of its own, it can only reflect the light from the sun. Nothing ever happened in the past or will happen in the future, it can only happen now. Being present in the now allows you to be transparent for God's light to pass through you. It enables you to serve the season you're in with faithfulness. With each moment: watch the thought, feel the emotion, observe the reaction.
"We live for the weekend working up the courage
We pray away, pray away, pray away
The pain of not being in alignment with our dreams
Fetch your life" - Prince Kaybee ft Msaki
My knees are worn out and I've lost my voice when I look unto the heavens. I stopped praying for a miracle the day I realized that I am the miracle. My last heartfelt words to God regarding my purpose was "I am not going to pray about it, I'm just going to do". No words, just do. From time to time I miss a step and stumble. I still don't know what my divine purpose looks like. I still don't know whether I am crawling or striding into my next. All I know is that I am in this moment, this moment is all I have and I am required to honour it. In stillness, I am listening out for a gentle whisper from God to tell me to take the next step. A whisper that will carry me from here to everywhere. I take these steps with hope, hope that they would lead me home. To a space that will illuminate my creativity and nurture my gift so that it may make room for me. I don't know where this road will lead me, but I look forward to the moment where I say to myself "imagine if I gave up".
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