"The position is yours," he claims, "we'll set up a meeting for tomorrow and iron out the details,". Tomorrow turned into a week...then a month... and then three months. With informal bits of information being passed around here and there but nothing concrete on my new role. My predecessor had resigned 3 months ago thrusting me into a role I didn't agree to simply because there was no one else "more capable" to fill his shoes. In the months leading up to the much anticipated meeting, I was plagued by turmoil but kept my head down working: overtime, on weekends and even public holidays.
The day of the meeting found me hanging by a thread. All I wanted was to formalize my duties and remuneration. I sat across from the head of department (HOD) with my manager on my left side. No ink was put to paper with regards to my job description and no performance matrix was presented. The HOD cut straight to the chase," due to your performance and dedication, we saw it fit to raise your salary by 10%," he smiles. Hehe!...Calm down. One...two...three...breathe. Let's do the math shall we ? All employees will be granted a 4.5 to 5% annual increase. Therefore the CTC would be current + 5.5% at most, less tax converted to rand value is equivalent to disrespect. Disrespect given the fact that my predecessor earned double my salary. The meeting was orchestrated to be held in the first month of the new financial year, 3 days before payday. Meaning that the discussion had already been concluded in my absence and this meeting was just formality. I truly appreciate the years I've been a part of this team but I'll be submitting my resignation letter by close of business. Thank you and I wish you all the best. "Thank..." a word slips out under my breath as I succumb to my thoughts. "Pardon?" my manager enquires. "Nothing," I huff and puff. I thank them for their time and bolt out of the boardroom saving whatever dignity I had left.
Yohhhh ! I walked around with a lump in my throat for the rest of the day, fighting to suppress my emotions. The moment I set foot in my apartment, I broke down. Emotional pain encircled me like I was a race track at the F1 Grand Prix. Failure had swallowed me whole. For the next few days, the sun would rise causing my being to set. I had to show up in the world even though the world had failed to show up for me. The noise in my head prohibited me to sit at the feet of the throne in stillness. My mouth dried up whenever I had to enunciate words of prayer, I couldn't connect, anger had created a desert within me. Like a sandstorm in the Sub-Sahara, disappointment coincided with unworthiness creating a howling gale of resentment. I resorted to spewing venom to everyone and everything including God. "You said wherever you've placed me you'll provide so why does your provision feel like lack?" I enquired. "I can't come to you cause your presence has deemed me unworthy," my heart screamed. "I need space," my actions echoed. God said we should worship He[R] in spirit and in truth so I felt that this was my truth and I planted my feet firmly in it. Unbeknownst to me, worshiping God in truth means "understanding who God is where you are," Hle on Wisdom & Wellness.
When the rage had subsided, I remembered the intentions I had put forth at the beginning of 2024. I was intentional about being led by faith so I ditched the vision board and any ambitions that came along with it. Operating from my own strength had driven me into an undiagnosed state of depression and man oh man was I tired. The only thing I could offer the world was hope so I clung onto it and it released me into days of fasting and prayer. The first word I received revealed God's shadow. "Punishments for Disobedience" Leviticus 26v14-39 read. "You will suffer from sudden terrors, with wasting diseases and with burning fevers, causing your eyes to fall and life to ebb away," I read. Uhmmm ? "All your work will be for nothing, for your land will yield no crops and your trees will bear no fruit." Bathong ! "I will punish you seven times over for your sins," God's wrath echoed in my head. Fear travelled up my spine causing me to shut my bible abruptly. "Ha.ah I opened the wrong page," I convinced myself that the word I had just received had nothing to do with me. On day two God taught me how to become like a lily in the field and a bird in the sky through a sermon by Rorisang on Jesus This Jesus That. "Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has its own problems" replayed in my head. I heard the word "SURRENDER" so clearly that it was almost deafening. On day three I sang :
"We will abide in you Lord
Hide in you Lord
Rest in you Lord, Rest in you
Teach us to wait on you
Draw strength from you Lord
Rest in you Lord, Rest in you" - Mvini by We Will Worship
At the end of 7 days of fasting & prayer God had done He[R] work in me and required my participation in doing the work through me. I wasn't privy to the fact that He[R] works would strip me bare with no recollection of who I am. I would look at my reflection in the mirror seeking familiarity but I wouldn't find it cause I didn't belong anymore. The act of surrender is a dying of self. The act of obedience is accepting the will of God. The act of discipline is manifesting the will of God. It sounds poetic when spoken in prayer or sung in song but letting go of the idea of who you are can be gut-wrenching. The Holy Spirit leads you into the wilderness just as [S]He did Jesus to be tested by the devil that resides within you. Listen, your greatest enemy is you. The wilderness is a space of constant conflict designed to unravel you until you're left with the truth [light] of who you are. I once found myself crying in the fitting room of a clothing store not because the dress I was trying on didn't fit but because I didn't know my style and what I liked anymore. God will dismantle you to the point where you lack the confidence to show up in the world cause ego, societal norms and mental constructs don't resonate with you anymore. The purpose is, like Jesus, for the prince of this world [darkness] to come and find nothing in you John 14:30.
So I remember the foundation of obedience; that it is a selfless act that is greater than me. I show up at a job I hate everyday, I mute my feelings and focus on the long-term goal for feelings are ephemeral in nature. It's a season of pruning so that "when the time is right" the works of my hands bear sweet fruit. I have so much peace in my heart, peace that surpasses all understanding, and that peace yields abundance. Abundance in terms of quality instead of quantity.
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